As I sit at Hearth Café in Sunabe, Okinawa and eat breakfast by myself, I don’t mind I am by myself.  Today’s breakfast was the substitute to my evening walks I usually take by myself to reflect on my life and day.  The breeze was blowing and it was cool against my skin.  Surfers were out at sea long before I showed up at 9:00 am and on lookers were sitting on the seawall enjoying the view and the cooler weather as our fall slowly creeps its way on the island.  I am happily oblivious to much else besides my iPhone and the Plants vs. Zombies game I purchased until my food comes out.  Japan and Okinawa are about fresh, portion sized meals that look beautiful to the eyes and tasty to the tongue.  My food gets all of my attention.  As I take a bite of my yogurt topped with mango, for a brief second, I can see you there, smiling at me.  For that brief second, over in an instant, you are mine and no one else’s and we are happy.  No past, no present, no future, just two people.  No emotions or extreme feelings or passion and love, just the connection that two people have when they have walked this earth together, and have seen things both good and bad.  Since I was alone I could smile and laugh to myself, and no one could see or judge.  The café was the set of my movie, my day dream, played, designed for me alone.

           Last night I dreamed of my family and friends.  The leaves were on the ground, all brown and orange, with little left on the trees.  My best friend Jennell and I were in a house, it was supposed to be her’s and we were getting ready to go out for the day.  We weren’t driving though, we walked, and we weren’t going to the mall, which was strange.  On our walk we run in to my friend Ryan, where Ryan and I proceed to spar with each other.  I think both of us think we are Street Fighter characters.  We talk and we laugh and talk about our mutual friends and after seeing my friends the Jeff and discussing life overseas, that dream comes to an end.  I was then sleeping beside Mark and when he had to leave for his duties I went to my mother’s room.   We cuddled, talked, laughed, spoke to Mark on Skype.  In my dreams of her, it’s amazing.  We know our moments are stolen.  As I write, tiny tears of joy start to fill my eyes.  We talk about all we can; we do all we can do while we still have each other.  We talk about events and I always talk about how much I miss her.  I told her I loved her skin and the way it smells as I snuggled against her neck with my arms wrapped around her.  We ate a cheesy chicken fondue dish, but she didn’t tell me how she made it.  In my dreams her voice is as clear as a bell and in my dreams she is mine and no one else’s.  She comes to me and it’s as if I am still a teenager or in my early 20’s and we are each other’s world.  Even when I got married I suppose she still was mine and the same for her when she was remarried.  In my dream Mark was perceived by me as cold during our Skype conversation, and I resented him for this, intent on giving him a piece of my mind when I spoke to him next.  After all, it’s rare when we all get together now, rare because it’s in my dreams alone.  I remember though how it was when Mom came for her last trip to see us.  Mark took us around and showed Mom the time of her life.  She loved it, I loved it, and we were both so grateful.  It means so much more now as that was the last time I had my husband and my mother together.  The last time we’d be together as a family.

      I enjoy my day dreams and dreams.  I don’t compete, I am who I am and that person is perfect.  She is funny, she is pretty, she is positive, she is friendly, she is confident, and she is all the things I am or could be if the world didn’t get in the way.  She is a child, she is a woman, she doesn’t hear "you are good enough", she hears, “you ARE enough.”

The Zombie Apocalypse, so many know it is coming and many of us have worked out plans already of what we would do.  My cousin Mary has plans for Wal Mart and Ihop.  I personally think the zombies will already be at Wal Mart and will stay away.  Recently you may have noticed, as I have, the zombie apocalypse survival lists, people who would be in your group, on facebook, where else?  When back at home, my friends and I lightly discussed this, my friend Danielle revealed due to diabetes she probably would only last a year.  Then I seriously thought about the future, as seriously one could ponder the future and the zombie apocalypse.  What if the people at my table during dinner were it, my survival group for the zombie Armageddon?  My legacy would die with me most likely as who could actually think of carrying on with your dinner partners?  Reason being they are usually your best of friends and the thought of….I’m just gonna leave it at that before I make myself cringe anymore.  No offense guys, you are great, total packages….for someone else.  Though I am 100% sure of my survival.  With my friend Kerra being a nurse and everyone else’s know how, I’d be safe.  As long as people would listen, Dionna, Jeff B., and myself, would keep everyone safe.  That last statement is purely racial.  Of course, this brought up the light hearted question that never really had an answer, because if my dinner party was my survival group, and Mark was in, wherever he is with no communication, how long do you wait before you move on?  Since I wouldn’t, I would probably be the one in the group that would round up the zombie virus free animals and train them to forage for needs.  What else would I do with that much time on my hands, besides being able to do yard work, farming, and heavy lifting?  Someone has to, I’d be that person.

My vivid imagination is not to be outdone by my vivid dreams.  I’m curious as to why we dream about the things we dream, why we dream about the people we dream about, the times, the places, and how much control do we actually have over them.  I often dream I can control my dreams, thanks Inception, but can one actually do that?  I mean, last time I “conjured” someone they lifted me above their head and attempted to throw me.  This would be “Inception fail”.  I seriously doubt anyone can do what those in Inception can do but it’s nice to think that way sometimes, though if this were the case I’d probably have some explaining to do if others could see them.  If I had the power to change my dreams, some people wouldn’t have reoccurring roles.  This one dream I have, always seems to have me exposed.  In a room changing and all of the sudden I am caught in my underwear.  This is going NOWHERE naughty so hear me out.  This person in my dream is not concerned at all with me and my lack of clothes, this person that I have never seen as a brother type person, always appears as such in my dreams.  Honestly, I don’t even know much about this person, I couldn’t tell you what he drives, what his favorite color is, so why him?  Out of all the people I know, why this person?  Why don’t I have many dreams about my dad?  They always stick out because they are that rare.  I dreamed last week that I had lunch with my mom and we talked business as we were driving to a Dave and Buster’s style place that Mark’s coworkers were at.  I find any dream that I talk to Mom for any long period of time, interesting.  Her voice so clear, and it’s her voice from 5 years ago, not the voice with slightly more coughing due to her last throat surgery, but in the morning, I feel I could not recall her voice from my memory.  Most importantly, the advice she gives me, is it sound, is it real, and is it a sign?  Who knows, because at one end, dreams are just your mind going on its own adventure while you are allowing your body to be still, or is God, the universe, whoever you chose to give credit to, speckled in trying to converse with you and keep you on your heart’s path?

I have had a rough couple of weeks.  Not really sure why, everything has crashed in to each other in my mind I guess.  My mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, the feelings of losing these people, not having Mark with me to just hold me when I need him to and allow myself to cry, missing my family, missing my parents, missing my girlfriends from my childhood, dealing with people being cruel to me for no reason.  Though my question is never why me, I am certainly ready for an emotional break.  I am ready for a release.  I continue to pray.  I can’t help but notice some people that complain when they have everything they need but because something isn’t going their way, because it’s not happening on their time, they whine.  This has me thinking this person has never had to deal with real life.  That is not a sad thing by any means, but are you that much of a drama queen, or king?  I have had cruel things done to me, degrading and disrespectful things, but what do I do?  I learn and I keep walking, my head held high.  Everyone is entitled to their feelings.  Everyone is entitled to feel run down, but actually be run down.  Be crawling through the true muck of your life, the sorrow, the shame, actually lose, then complain but also, look around.  See the woman that has to say good bye to her husband 6 times before not lying beside him each night for 7-8 months, see the single mother raising men, see the single father raising his children with his work ethic, see the person who has lost 3 people in the span of 8 months and 2 of them in the same week.  Look outside your window where it is really raining.  See the strength and be inspired, if you cannot, you my friend are truly lost.  We grieve, we allow ourselves to break down, but then we move on and if you have not learn this, you have more to learn.

On a super light note before I end my ranting and rambling, I have succumbed to the WoWcrack.  They say it’s hard to quit, well after having stayed away for over a year, I have come back.  Mark wanted to play again and rightly so I decided to as well.  I could not sit in front of the computer that long though…until Mark left for magic military duty sand land, now it is all I do.  My very good childhood friend Dionna has decided to play and so I show her the ropes and I am beyond loving it.  The bad thing is that like clockwork, I wake up I play World of Warcraft until about 12:00 or 1:00 pm, every day.  If Dionna stays up late, I stay on even longer.  I hate when I have to break for school and hate when I have to break for derby, I actually don’t know which I hate more.  I am not too concerned with beautiful weather, I am more concerned about learning how to play my priest effectively.  I am not concerned that I am literally living my dream of living in Japan, no I would rather level to 80 so Dionna and I can fully use these recruit a friend bonuses.  “But, Talya, life is too short to play video games.”  Am I doing what I want to do with my time, does my husband support my pursuit of happiness, yes, so no one else should be worried about what I am doing.  Though now when I go outside and the sun hits my skin I can feel my body hissing in disgust.  I have more in common with the Morlocks from The Time Machine by H.G. Wells instead of the Cullen’s from the Twilight stories, however.  Also, Mark and I went through my boudoir photos and we decided what we would let Mad Banana Photography use for promotion of her business and I was so happy with the title she gave my facebook album that she put on her page, "Confident & Carefree Beauty".  I really like that title.